In most friend groups, there is one person who knows where everyone is, what everyone is doing and how they’re feeling. Within my friend groups over the years, and especially in college, that person has been me.
As the oldest child of four in a broken household, I grew up accustomed to noticing what others needed. At home, I constantly helped my parents out with taking care of my siblings — whether it was driving someone around or being a supportive listener when nobody else was there. These organizational and caretaker qualities of mine transferred over to how I interacted with my friends in college.
However, there is a difference between caring about your friends and feeling responsible for them, and it becomes alarming when that line gets blurred. Being a supportive friend means listening when someone has a bad day, making sure someone gets home safely or showing up when someone needs you. It does not mean you have to fix every problem, answer every phone call or rearrange your life every time someone needs something.
Simply being in college makes it easy for students to forget about their own needs. Living with friends and seeing them practically every day makes friendships a primary support system. Celebrating, going out, complaining about school or dealing with each other’s biggest problems all happen together. Companionship is one of the most enjoyable parts of the college experience, but this culture can sometimes make saying “no” feel selfish. Eventually, being dependable turns into constant availability. Constantly putting others before yourself can have many negative mental health impacts, such as feeling emotionally drained, an inability to set and reinforce boundaries or feeling like your purpose is to serve others.
Over time, I have had to learn that taking care of myself does not mean being a bad friend. It can be hard, but I’ve had to miss events with my friends to work on a major assignment. There have been times when I was dealing with my own things and had to tell someone I couldn’t help them solve their problems at the moment. I have also had to ask my friends to listen and help me instead of automatically being that person for someone else.
The difference that I’ve noticed in my own life, and even in my friendships, since learning to take care of myself before taking care of others is drastic. By making sure that I’m in the right headspace before I show up for others, I’ve found I’m able to be an even better friend. I now have the energy to advance my own personal goals, and I have the mental capacity to be fully present when I’m with my friends.
I don’t harbor resentment for my own experiences people-pleasing. There’s a reason I’ve become the “mom friend” and have held that title for so long. I enjoy organizing events and showing up when people need me. It also feels very rewarding when someone feels safe enough to call me when something happens. However, I’ve had to learn that part of my role as a good friend is remembering that I’m a part of the group that I take care of as well and making sure to treat myself as such.
Cintron is a journalism junior from Houston, Texas.
